Dear Shishou
by Peacebunnie
Summary: 'I don't know why I'm writing this, you probably don't want to hear from me anyway, and I doubt I'll be able to make myself send it. I'm part of the Kiheitai, now...' A series of letters from an errant baka deshi.
1. Re: Beginnings

_Hahaha, howdy kiddies -.-; Lolo might remember my comment about posting something called 'Dear Shishou' if I couldn't get MD to progress. Well, there's this fight scene; and I call it a fight scene because there is a fight in it, and because it is fighting me every step of the way. I think I have half of the stuff after the fight written, and everything before, but - grr, I say, grr._

_So you get a series of letters unsent instead. And a friendly reminder that RK ain't mine._

* * *

Dear Shishou,

I don't know why I'm writing this, you probably don't want to hear from me anyway, and I doubt I'll be able to make myself send it.

I'm part of the Kiheitai, now, a small army of revolutionists loyal to Choshu. Many of the men here are farmers and laborers.

The others believe me to be a useless child, and often mock my size. I haven't practiced with any of them or talked to them often; I don't mind the inevitable teasing too much anymore but there are so many of them. I don't think I've seen this many people at once, outside of the festivals we used to go to, Shishou.

All of us have duties, helping to keep daily necessities running. The man in charge of assigning jobs seems to think I am too weak for any heavy task, and always assigns me after-meal clean up. There are worse jobs, I suppose.

We - Ah, I have to go. A leader has come today, and Takasugi-san wants me outside practicing.

I hope I can help. I don't understand why you didn't want me to go. The people should not be suffering!

I hope I can make a difference.

Kenshin


	2. Re: Moving

_Things are finally starting to go my way after five months of life kicking my butt._

_Translation = we got hot water back for the first time since around New Year's. I took a nice long HOT shower and it was wonderful. We need a bigger emergency repair fund, because getting a new heater and paying for all the improvements we needed to be up to code took FAR TOO LONG._

_It was a very cold winter._

* * *

Dear Shishou,

I'm in Kyoto now. Katsura-san, the leader from before, has asked me to learn the layout of the city. I'm still familiar with the places we have visited before, but since the city is so big there are lots of places left to learn. I've spent the last week exploring every day.

I traveled here with Katsura-san and others who were accompanying him. We had nice weather so the journey was pleasant.

Some of the Ishin here are not so pleasant; most of them are fine, but there are a few who partake in somewhat questionable hobbies. There was a very embarrassing misunderstanding when I first arrived, and one of the - you know what, I don't think I want to tell you, even just on paper. You always seem to know everything else, and I imagine somehow you would know this, too, and the teasing would never end.

And no, I wasn't mistaken for a girl again, THANK YOU.

Come to think of it, I've gotten some new clothes, too, and with my swords I look even less like a girl. An improvement I'm quite happy about. The Okami of the inn I'm at told me a good place to buy them, but says the next time I need clothes I should ask her if she has any extra, as her grandsons are larger than myself and still growing. I only hope I continue growing soon - I don't want to be this short forever.

My room mate is eyeing the candle, so I think it's time to call it a night. I'll write you again soon, Shishou.

Kenshin


	3. Re: Bloodletting

_If anyone knows what the shrine in the OVA is - specifically if it is a real one with a real name - please let me know so I can fix it. (FF . Net is eating my pretty spacing! Dash it all!)_

_I had a nice time visiting family in Grass Valley. It actually snowed up there. Snowed. I'd never really seen anything other than fluffy slush or a few bits sprinkling down. This was real snow. My cousin woke me to see it by rubbing a snowball on my cheek. Note to self: thwack him a good one next visit._

* * *

Dear Shishou,

Kyoto at night is very different than Kyoto during the day. In order to always be able to find my way, I've spent the last two days sleeping, and gone out at night. Today is the first day I've been awake at normal hours, and the sunshine was beautiful. The view from the Yasurakana Sanpuku shrine

* * *

Dear Shishou,

I've been doing further exploration of Kyoto, this time at night since I know it well during the day. Today I was up during sunny hours for the first time in a while. The weather is again gorgeous

* * *

Dear Shishou,

...Damn it.

* * *

Dear Shishou,

My first task was completed today. They have assigned me to be their hitokiri.

I don't know what to feel. In some ways it was very different from all the times before, and in some ways it's exactly the same. It was still the same swing I've practiced more than a thousand times, even though it sliced through flesh and bone, blood covering the blade.

I think I feel numb.

The man had a habit of visiting a mountain shrine every week, and so I was sent there to kill him. Mother used to tell me her father was killed by marauding samurai on temple grounds, and I wonder what she would say if she were alive to see what I am doing. Another shrine has been desecrated by murder, someone's family is dead, and this time it is my fault.

But I don't know how he was standing against the Ishin Shishi. Perhaps he was a cruel man, and no one will miss him; or maybe his death will change a crucial event. Katsura-san has asked me to do this, to eliminate those in the way of reform, and I will do it. The fighting must stop and the people can no longer be oppressed.

Everyone is eating downstairs, but I didn't want to join them.

It's so quiet.

Kenshin


	4. Re: Tests

_My mom was hospitalized this week. She didn't have to stay too long, but that put me off doing much of anything. Sueb262 was kind enough to beta the next part of Merciful Dreams, but I've been out of it and have not finished the fixing yet. Give me a few more days, please._

_On more pleasant topics: Anyone in CA going to Fanime on May 26-29? I'll be there, dressed as Okita and carrying one of my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls in a pig suit. Though the costume will be worn only on Friday and/or Monday, as Saturday and Sunday will require me to be most of the day at show rehearsals. If I am there those mornings/nights, watch for a girl wearing a pig hat, instead._

_Me, obsessed? I don't know what you're talking about._

* * *

Dear Shishou,

It's been a long few weeks. I still feel - numb, I guess, is still the word for it. I don't always have an assignment, but everything seems to run together, and I am barely sure what day it is, sometimes.

Not long after I last wrote, my room mate got himself a new assignment in another city. I tried to congratulate him on his promotion, but when I spoke to him his eyes became panicked and he nearly froze. I think he asked to be transferred to get away from me. I don't know quite what to think about that.

No one else has moved in to take his place. I know not every room in the inn has people doubled up, so I'm unsure whether this is chance or if everyone is avoiding me. The solitude is nice, sometimes, when I don't think I can deal with anyone after... after. The inn keeps some books in the common room, and if nothing is going on I take one up to my room to read. I feel like I can hide away, and no one will find me.

...I wish that were true for everyone. My superiors... tested me, with an assignment last week. My target was to be killed inside his home, which required me to get inside myself. As I didn't want to have to eliminate a witness, this took a while, and there were close calls, but I managed. I didn't like it, but my superiors are pleased. They shouldn't be so happy about a life taken, should only care about knowing the capabilities of their tool. I wonder if I should say something about that.

Some other things have happened, but I can't talk about them, so I can't tell you.

I hate this killing and I wish I didn't have to, but I must keep in mind this is for the people. I must. But how does one do that, when everything is so -?


	5. Re: Birthdays

_Work starts Monday. Still in a panic, though I know it'll all be fine in the end, one way or another. And if the kids do indeed do me in, know that I die happy, because I will be experiencing the glory of AIR CONDITIONING._

* * *

Dear Shishou,

Not that much has changed. My assignments continue; Katsura-san has changed locations, so my assignments are now delivered to me by a man named Iizuka. He is somewhat easy-going, and sometimes it's nice to sit and listen to him talk about inconsequential things.

My birthday passed, a few days ago. Fourteen doesn't feel any different than thirteen. It's just a few days older, anyway, and that isn't a big difference at all.

Everyone at the inn made the day... memorable, after I let the information slip. I think the happenings destroyed my every inclination toward pranks, you'll be pleased to know. No more chance of wasabi in your sake, Shishou, if I ever see you again.

I've been here two months, now. In my head I know that isn't long, but it feels like it. It seems to me a much longer time. But it's only summer, still.

I wonder, are you enjoying the stars, Shishou?

Kenshin


	6. Re: Fevers

_...I am thankful that, if my laptop had to die, at least most of the writing I did this summer was on scrap paper so it's just a matter of typing it up now. D:_

_Will post next letter in a day or two, and another after that._

* * *

Shishou,

One of our storehouses was raided, with only two men surviving. They have been brought here to heal their injuries. They aren't allowed to leave the inn (not that they have the energy anyway) and one may have lost the use of a limb.

The other has a high fever, and I have been helping mix medicine to treat him. Not a skill I expected to use while fighting in the war, but a useful lesson from you just the same.

Messengers have been arriving and leaving again quite often. I heard a rumor that a meeting of the leaders is being planned, and Katsura-san may be coming back to the inn.

The Shogunate has increased patrols throughout Kyoto. It is difficult to complete my assignments at times, but still possible.

Nothing else of interest.

K


	7. Re: Stasis

_So yeah. October is almost upon us. It's costume month for me! Between the bagpipe games (kilt), ren faire (yay corsets and bodices) and Halloween (whatever I feel like!) it's awesome fun._

_Anyone else planning their Halloween costume yet?_

* * *

Dear Shishou,

Even with the seasons' change, Kyoto doesn't seem to change at all. Trees may fade into autumn, and the air becomes colder, but the streets do not change, the buildings are still there, and the fear that underlines it all has not gone away. People enter the war, people die, people leave.

Nothing is different.

We have a long way to go before we can change things for everyone.

I will keep working. It is harder to hope, but I will try to do that too.

Kenshin


	8. Re: Loneliness

_Because you deserve it, go out and find somebody hug. But after you R&R._

* * *

Dear Shishou,

I don't have anyone to talk to at the inn, and it's a little lonely. There were a few men I knew before that might have been friends, but they are gone, either reassigned or killed. Iizuka is still here, but while he is not unpleasant, I would not call him a friend, or at least not a close one.

I think I've read most of the books from downstairs, so reading isn't a good distraction, and I can spin my top only so many times. The men recently assigned here all look at me with fear, so I spend my afternoons sleeping or at -

Nevermind, I can't tell you. Sorry.

...The nights are busy and the days are quiet.

Kenshin


	9. Re: Clothes

_(Do me a favor and pretend the words --between dashes-- are striked out, k? Only I CAN'T KEEP ANY FORMATTING...)  
_

_You'd think I was trying to release these in real time, or something. But I'm not._

_Really._

* * *

Dear Shishou, 

I had to purchase new clothes a few days ago. My hakama were far too short, my haori was wearing thin and I couldn't get the bloodstains out of my tabi. Okami-san says she will dye them, but I needed something to wear until that gets done.

I remembered to go to Okami-san's shop for my hakama. It was a better price than where I bought them before.

It's been cold enough that few people are out willingly - I often have to sneak into buildings --for my targets-- to complete my tasks. It is not yet cold enough for me to freeze entirely, so no comments on my 'flailing technique,' how I'm a wuss, it's not that cold and so forth. I know what you're thinking.

Just see if I write you again, you old goat.

Kenshin


	10. Re: Drinks

_Haha, bet you never thought Kenshin's poker face originated because of sake. :)_

* * *

Dear Shishou,

There is something I simply must ask.

HOW CAN YOU STAND THAT DISGUSTING DRINK!

I was persuaded to try some sake by Iizuka. IT WAS SO FOUL. It burned and it _tasted_ - it defies description. But it was gross.

I didn't want him to laugh at me, so I tried to keep my face blank and finish my drink; but he laughed at me anyway. Says it was cheap stuff so it's no wonder I didn't like it.

You'd think he'd warn a person before springing something that nasty on them.

Granted I slept much better that night, but eew it can't be worth it. Not that nasty taste.

You must have completely destroyed your taste buds with your horrible cooking. See, I was right. I have proof. You can stomach sake.

Eew.

Kenshin


	11. Re: Cuts

_So in case anyone still cares, here's the next letter._

* * *

Dear Shishou,

I think you would be displeased with me.

More than you already are, anyway...

I was sent to take care of a target and his bodyguards, last night. The first few men fell quickly, and the last was of no great talent, but in his determination he managed to cut me.

I know you will call me arrogant and foolish, to let an opponent land a blow. Maybe I was.

But it seems to me that no matter what, his determination would have won out. I can't understand how that could be, since he wasn't well trained. But it did, and I am marked.

The cut is on my cheek, shallow yet it won't stop bleeding. Every time I think I've finally put pressure on it long enough, I move and it starts again.

Okami-san is going to be mad if I stain the bedclothes. I might just sleep in the corner and not chance it.

Kenshin


	12. Re: Wounds

_This is really depressing._

* * *

Oh, Shishou,

This is really beginning to scare me. My cheek keeps bleeding, every night, whenever I've been on assignment. I've actually gotten used to sleeping against the wall because of it.

It doesn't matter that it's never getting hit or torn open, it starts bleeding without fail. I try not to talk too much, but it isn't healing, and I don't know what to do to make it stop.

Iizuka keeps mentioning a superstition - it's silly of me to listen, I know, but I do anyway - he says that a wound made by someone with a strong hatred, won't heal until revenge has been exacted.

He also says it may never go away, and that I'm beginning to believe.

I try to wash my hands, but it never works, my cheek bleeds and drips into the water and I can't ever get my hands clean.

I have to carry a cloth for when it starts bleeding, so I don't stain all my clothes.

I don't know what to do to make it stop.

Kenshin


	13. Re: Guests

_I just keep imagining Kenshin saying all this to Hiko's face..._

* * *

Shishou,

I know it's been a while, but things have gone crazy and I almost wish for your advice. You'd call me stupid, several times, and yell at me once or twice, but then you'd tell me what to do and it'd all make sense!

Shishou, I was attacked by a manslayer of the Shogunate. He boldly attacked in the middle of a public street, slinging his chain-sword with abandon. I was able to defeat him, but when I had, there was a girl there! She passed out and I brought her back to the inn.

I'd seen her at a restaurant earlier, Shishou, and she must have been drinking or something because she smelled like sake and then Okami-san accused me of bringing home a drunk... woman of disrepute. I did no such thing! I just couldn't leave her there, alone at night! And witness or not, I'm not going to kill her for using a public street - I would never harm an innocent! But she's seen me and I don't know what to do about that!

Okami-san got her some clean clothes, but then said there wasn't space in another room. She made the bed in here! I'm stuck in the same room with her; even in the dim lamplight I can see her on my futon.

Should we keep her here? Is Katsura-san going to order her killed anyway? Should I make her promise to forget everything and get her out of here first thing in the morning? I don't know what to do, how am I supposed to handle that girl taking up my bed?

Kenshin

...STOP LAUGHING SHISHOU SHUT UP YOU KNOW THAT WASN'T WHAT I MEANT!


End file.
